I Don't Mean To
by poweredbycoffeeandwine
Summary: *Pre-Relationship FShenko* A post mission crew get together helps Kaidan realize how far he's fallen for Commander Tavrien Shepard. (I promise I was working on this before Andromeda released o-O)


Sitting comfortably on a sofa, drink in hand, Kaidan pondered exactly how he came to be in this moment. Ashley lay to one side of him, hogging the couch, with her feet tucked under his thigh, fast asleep. Shepard was pressed against his side gripping the long empty popcorn bowl against her chest. The day started off the same way most did since joining the Normandy Crew. A mission briefing, gear check, suit up, ship out, hit the ground running. He took pride in the fact that Tavrien Shepard trusted him to watch her six, he was on the ground team nearly every time. Being a skilled medic, tech specialist, and decent with biotics certainly made him an asset. Garrus had, on more than one occasion, jokingly referred to him as "Commander's pet." Shepard would take a moment to stare Garrus down, but Kaidan noticed pink tinge her freckled cheeks. He knew it was fanciful, the great Commander Shepard, military brat, savior of Elysium would never blush for the likes of him. He was simply another marine in the midst of many.

Kaidan could not help but admire the grace in which Shepard did everything. She turned a fire-fight into a frenzied dance only she knew the steps to. He learned quickly how to be where he was needed to provide support because he sure as hell couldn't keep up. If her barrier wavered, he would cover her restoring shields. If she got into a jam, he told himself that the reason his heart hammered so hard in his chest was because the Alliance could not afford to lose such an accomplished soldier. Shepard always managed to come up on top with a small smirk and some witty remark on her lips. They were an unstoppable team, and had become friends with an ease he hadn't known to this point in his life. The task of bringing in Matriarch Benezia proved to be more challenging than any assignment so far.

Wave after wave of Asari Commandos flung attacks at Shepard, trying to keep her off balance. They were out manned, and exhausted. His amp burned and he knew the others weren't fairing much better. Amidst the flying crates and biotics Shepard flew through the air, hitting the wall with a sickening crunch that echoed through the enclosed space. Terror gripped Kaidan, holding him tight in it's cold embrace. Everything around him began to spin, heart plummeting into his stomach, and he saw red. Instead of focusing on defense, as he was prone to do, he unleashed biotic attacks with a speed and intensity he could not believe were his doing. All in an effort to reach her, to make sure that he hadn't missed his chance to do more than idolize her from afar. The image of her lying there, eyes closed, blood streaking down her face and splattered inside her visor, would always haunt him. When she rose, fire in her eyes, he almost cried on the spot. After everything was said and done, he couldn't believe that she only suffered a small laceration. Doctor Chackwas chuckled at his unconcealed panic, kindly reminding him that head wounds bled terribly.

A sullen ground team removed armor, checked weapons, and watched in silent sorrow as rinse water swirled with red. Shepard had spent extra time in the med bay consoling a devastated Liara. He was ashamed at the jealousy that flared up. He tried his best not to let his brain conjure the worst images of what was transpiring behind closed doors. Shepard with her arms around Liara, emotions getting out of hand. He shook his head in disgust at himself. If Shepard chose to pursue a relationship with the Asari, what right did he have to stop her? Sure, they had flirted a time or two when he wasn't quick enough to stop compliments from escaping his lips. That certainly did not mean that he had any claim on her. Knowing this didn't stop the relieved sigh upon seeing her step into the mess. Shepard wandered off in a mindless daze. That she didn't so much as acknowledge either marine disconcerted him.

A silent glance and a quick nod shared between him and Ash was all that was needed for each to spring into motion. Kaidan moved quickly, gathering supplies for the one thing capable of pulling Shepard out of her despair: Movie Night. Shepard loved watching old vids and gorging on snacks after missions. He witnessed her pretending not to cry when Mr. Darcy declared his ardent love for Miss Elizabeth Bennett, his proposal dashed. He got lost in the musical sound of her laughter when the Man in Black wrestled Fezik to the ground and whispered to the unconscious giant about large women. No matter how many of these moments he was privy to, it always surprised him how real she seemed. Gone was the crafty, analytical mind of the Engineer leading them against foe after foe. While she gazed at the screen, he could almost imagine being normal. A couple of friends enjoying each other's company, and if sometimes his mind painted a picture of them being more, well he was a man. After her initial shock, she cracked a bright smile. "I have just the vid! You guys will love it!," she squealed. She selected Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, and though he had never seen the vid before, he was surprised at how right it felt to settle into Shepard's habit.

Garrus was the first to bail, muttering that a good leader wouldn't let someone so inexperienced choose which path to take. It was no surprise he didn't agree with the wizard Gandalf letting the tiny hobbit decide to go under the mountains against his better, and more experienced, judgment. Kaidan smiled deciding that Garrus would make a perfect Boromir. Both brash and quick tempered, sure that their way is the only way. As time went on, others excused themselves until the couch was the only occupied place in the room.

This close to her he could see the bruise on Shepard's temple was starting to blossom, soon to become hues of purple and blue. A ghastly reminder that he needed to be more than back up. He needed to let go, his fear of losing control hampered him. Kaidan wished he was brave enough to gently tuck an errant strand of her auburn hair behind her ear. He tried to tell himself that he didn't need to know if it was a soft as it looked. He certainly didn't need to see it freed from her severe military style bun. He would sneak a peak at her, watching as her long lashes brushed against the creamy skin of her cheek.

While Frodo stood on the river bank staring out to the distant shore, Shepard's full, perfect lips began to move. _"I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."_ Her shoulder's sagged and he fought to keep his hands in his lap clutching his drink. He hated that so much rested on her, and wished he could do something to shoulder a portion of her burden. _"So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide, is what to do with the time that is given to you."_

As Frodo pulled a sopping Sam from the river, and back into the boat, Kaidan knew he should turn his attention back to the screen. He felt as though he was invading a private moment Shepard was having. This time he could barely hear her melodic and captivating voice whispering along, _"I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee, and I don't mean to. I don't mean to."_ A silent tear streaked down her face, and Kaidan realized he was a goner. He was in love with this wonderfully fierce woman. A brave, determinded soldier willing to fight tooth and nail for what was right. When people told her she was too naive and idealistic, that she was living in a fantasy world, she held fast to her resolve and amazed them all. This beautiful soul protecting the innocent whenever possible, banishing the monsters from under beds and out of dark corners. A proud and inspiring woman currently dissolving at the sight of a bond of friendship so strong, the most terrible evil could not come between them.

When the vid finally ended, and sea blue eyes met copper, she gave him the wistful smile he saw at night in his favorite dreams. She leaned over touched his arm and quietly, so as not to wake Ashley, said, "Thanks for indulging me, Kaidan. I knew you wouldn't let me down." She rested her head against his shoulder, and Kaidan swore to himself, no matter what Saren would throw at them, he would be her Sam. The rock to anchor her, the soft place to land, the person to remind her that she was not alone. He would choose to remain at her side, always. He slipped an arm around her waist and muttered into her hair, "I don't mean to, Shepard. I don't mean to."


End file.
